This morning on the “Wake up with Tony” program on the venerable 101.3 frequency in Rochester, New York we announced findings so earth-shattering at least four guys at Kentucky Wesleyan University said, “What the–Did you guys feel that?”
The findings are these:
There are things you can eat that will dictate the gender of your baby with 80% accuracy AND money DOES buy happiness.
First..the food and baby thing.
Researchers at Maastricht University (”The Fighting Maaamoths”) in the Netherlands found that women who ate high salt foods like salmon, olives and bacon tended to have BOYS. Wome
n who had a constant diet of high calcium foods (yogurt, cheese, spinach) tended to have girls. We asked our trustworthy and lovable newsman Pat McGonigle, the father of five beautiful girls, if he had any reaction to this story.
“It’s funny you’d ask,” Pat said while nursing an abandoned calf back to life. “Not funny ‘ha-ha’, not even funny ‘weird’, I should point out.”
In other news, those geniuses at Princeton University have done it again. They discovered money “can buy you happiness”. And they have a precise salary figure, too–$75,000. And, this isn’t a joke, this same study also discovered that people “are happier on the weekends”. Only an Ivy League college could put out this study with a straight face.
But the most exciting item of the day comes to us from “The Los Angeles Times”. We’ve all heard the expression “jump the shark”. It means when a TV show has gone downhill, as in, Happy Days stopped being cool after the episode when Fonzie “jumped the shark”. Or they might say, “Who’s the Boss?” jumped the shark when Tony took that office job. WELL…it turns out…”Happy Days” did NOT “jump the shark” when Fonzie “jumped the shark”!! In a stunning piece of journalism, the guy who wrote the “jump the shark” episode explains how that episode had more than 30 million viewers. And, the show continued for another six seasons after the “jump the shark” episode. Point is….it did not signal the end of the show. Click here to give it a read. Good stuff.
File under: Bill Buckner was not the real goat in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. The game was already tied and the Sox were already on their way to blowing it.
A grandfather unearthed a carrot bearing an uncanny resemblance to the Toy Story character Buzz Lightyear while digging up his vegetable patch. For more on this article click here.
Webster- Experts are baffled by reports of a dog-like creature that has been seen lurking in that mysterious territory along the Webster-Penfield border known as ‘Webfield’.
Tony Infantino, a well-known radio host famous for pleasant morning banter and the occasional charity concert, confesses he fears for his family’s safety.
“I don’t know what it is, dad-gummit,” Tony snorted while polishing the hubcaps on his emerald green Mazda Miata.
Tony’s family witnessed this creature during the dinner hour at the Infantino home (the picture to the left of the screen looks absolutely nothing like the beast Tony has described, but we just thought it was funny).
“He has a smooth, matted coat of fur,” Tony sobbed to a reporter. “He has a long tail with some type of bushy formation at the end of the t- t- tail!”
Experts believe Tony saw one of three things: a fox with mange, the mythical chupacabra of Mexican lore or one of the rejected mascots for the Penfield Patriots soccer team.
In economic news this morning, experts can’t agree if the recovery has begun yet or not.
“It’s getting better,” said one analyst.
“You’re wrong and you’re a big , stupid, stupid-pants,” retorted the other expert.
In sports, the Buffalo Bills ended their preseason action with an uplifting loss in Detroit to the Lions. Head Coach Chan Gailey says he saw some positive things in the season’s last tune-up in the Motor City. Explaining the Bills plan to lose in a variety of different ways, Coach Gailey was pleased to see the Bills find new ways to give up a lead.
Since we’re going around the horn, let’s finish with some entertainment news. No let’s not.
Today the incredible, inimitable and immensely talented Maureen McGovern dropped the “Wake up with Tony” program on WARM 101.3 this morning.
Maureen is most famous for her Chart Topping Hit “The Morning After” from the movie “The Poseidon Adventure” in 1972 and “We May never love like this again” from the flick “The Towering Inferno” in 1974.
Maureen is in town for a spectacular one woman show at Geva Theatre. It’s called “Carry it On”, it starts in October and it’s sure to sell out! Click here for ticket info.
In other exciting news from this morning’s broadcast. A shocking number of people say they would still be willing to see a Mel Gibson movie. Even after all of the jaw-droppingly hateful things we’ve heard him say to police and his ex-wife.
Here’s a short list of Mel Gibson movies WE WOULD PAY to see:
1. Mel Gibson in: The Big Jerk who Fell Down a Well
2. The Racist Who Was Tortured by Aliens!
3. Saw 8: The Slicing and Dicing of a Creep
4. The Man Without a Face 2: I now have a Face, but I lost my soul
5. Honey, I shrunk my brain! And turned into a racist
Ok, see if yo ucan wrap your brain around this equation. A couple of thugs broke into the shuttered Russell Station Power Plant in Greece looking to steal copper. The bumbling commodity thieves somehow busted an old transformer that proceeded to gush 4,800 gallons of oil into nearby Slater Creek and Lake Ontario. So now, RG & E, who owns the plant, is offering $5,000 for information leading to the arrest of the geniuses behind this heist.
So, that’s $5,000 in exchange for information leading to the arrest of people responsible for spilling 4,800 gallons of oil. It reminds some astute observers of a math word problem from grade school:
If a power company is offering $5,000 to find two bungling thieves who spilled 4,800 gallons of oil while stealing copper, HOW much copper did they get away with?
In more serious affairs, you have a great opportunity to help out a local family and have a great time this Saturday. Vaugh “Buford” Pembroke of Walworth, Wayne County became paralyzed from the chest down after a motorcycle accident in Utah. His family is struggling to make ends meet and make adjustments to their home. There’s a bash at Walworth Hardware on Main Street from 4 pm to 11 pm. There will be food, beer, music and plenty of raffles. Come on out and end summer on a high note while helping a family who needs a lending hand!
Do not call him Tony Infantino ANYMORE! From now on, the lovable voice on the morning airwaves here at WARM 101.3 will be known as “The Predicament”.
Capitalizing on the recent popularity of “The Jersey Shore”, Tony, very discreetly and tastefully, has injected himself into “The Jersey Shore” craze.
Viewers of the popular cable trash TV show know the characters: “The Situation”, “J-Wow”, “Snooki”, etc. So we decided to baptize Tony with a new “Jersey Shore” identity. You must now refer to Tony as “The Predicament”.
It’s a fitting moniker for our beloved host. Love him or hate him, Tony is always either; a) in some type of a moral quandary or predicament, or b) Forcing others into a predicament over whether to make major choices or life changes.
Webster defines “predicament” as: A difficult, unpleasant, or embarrassing situation.
If you can find six words that better describe Tony Infantino, you have just won a free massage at Massage Envy!!
Tony, Kristie and Pat came back together in full, post-vacation force! Kristie enjoyed some “time away from Tony”, as prescribed by doctors.
Today—we learned some amazing things about the exciting world around us. We found out “what married men talk about when YOU’RE not around”!!
The answer? Sports, women, wives, relations and, apparently, married men listen with rapt attention as single men hold forth and discuss their single men adventures.
We also learned the New York Yankees are UNSTOPPABLE when Alex Rodriguez is not in the lineup. The Bronx Bombers are 12-0 when A-Rod sits out.
We’ve also posted a link to Tony’s “Ode to Blackie the Rooster”! It’s a foot-stomping, heart-pounding tribute to western New York’s favorite rooster! 8-20-10-tonys-weekly-review
Also…have you seen this?? The Amazing Beach Bubble video!
Have you heard about the infamous Granddad Bandit? He’s suspected in 25 bank robberies over several states—including ONE IN SYRACUSE!
Police believe he got away with it because he looked so “inconspicuous”. Which is to say, a little tubby, balding with a geeky middle-aged type guy shirt.
INVISIBLE!
Sociologists believe the mere fact that a bona fide American schlub with a spare tire and a bad haircut pulled off so many heists is proof that paunchy Americans of every stripe are virtually invisible to the public at large.
Why is this bad news?
Who said it was?
In other developments—if you wanna get skinny, LIVE LIKE TONY!!
It’s true–a new study showed that if you eat, sleep, drink and breathe like an Italian, you will live, love and laugh better—AND LONGER!
“What we’re seeing is a phenomenon known as the Tony-if-acation of America,” noted the legendary Tom Bosley. “It’s a syndrome where people who sleep walk through life find a rhythm that works for them and their biochemistry simply synchronizes with the vibrations of the universe.”
“It’s not that rare,” continued Richie Cunningham’s TV dad. “Why are you still quoting me?”
We close today’s blog with an ancient fable about a jack-o-lantern who smart-mouthed his way all the way to the State Pen!
It seems there was a gabby jack-o-lantern who liked to spin yarns about animals and people on the farm. One day, he chatted up a sheriff’s deputy at the local diner about a meth lab he spotted in a nearby corn field.
“Where is this meth lab?” the young lawman asked.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” the jack-o-lantern blurted out before dashing out of the diner in a frenzied hurry.
The constable gave chase and found the goofy gourd in a back alley with a treasure trove of stolen Timex watches and 8 track cassettes.
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